With the rise of the spaghetti kids*, it’s becoming more and more difficult to align actions with the expectations of the ever-demanding culture. Any spaghetti kid can agree that expressing your dominance over other spaghetti kids can only be achieved by actively proving one’s spaghetti as more prevalent and influential over the other spaghetti kids. Although this feat can be achieved in many ways, such as having the loudest rawr or most colorful clip-on tail, the ability to attract possible love interests is by far the most impressive. However, flirting skills is the only skill that spaghetti kids seem to lack. Flirting can come naturally as long as the individual has a plan detailing exactly which actions will be performed in order to attract the future mate.

Imagine this scenario: You’re on a date, and all seems to be going smoothly. Your date is an expert Minecraft player. His or her fedora tip is flawless. Their knowledge about medieval weapons is extensive. Just as you’re about to strike up a conversation about anime, they order you a wine glass filled with Mountain Dew and you know they’re the one. Of course, it’s the first date and you’re not sure about whether or not you can rise up to the high expectations that spaghetti kids possess. Obviously, you’re going to panic because you want this noble steed to hold the same admiration for you that you clearly have for them.

The obvious solution is to offer to pay. However, you want to be subtle about how much money you make from your gaming YouTube channel, so leave the Adventure Time Beemo wallet full of spaghetti at home and opt for a more neutral option of payment. As you pull a sock filled with loose change from your pocket, you can proceed to mention something along the lines of “I figured they wouldn’t take the online currency of Bitcoin, so I chose a more classic form of payment.” This lets your date know that you have respect for the original form that currency was meant to come in and that you know how to count.

Although this would be the ideal situation, you may not be in a position to pay for the meal. Since you may be running out of opportunities to prove that you’re not a normie, you may have to go with a more dramatic ending to the date.

Fedoras are very common and being a spaghetti kid is all about being unique. Instead of sticking to the classic fedora tip, you can wear a tightly tied durag. As the date is coming to a close, look deeply into your date’s eyes and seductively pull the durag from your head. Your date will be wildly attracted to flirty action, as spaghetti tumbles down onto your shoulders and onto the floor. Although this measure should only be taken if desperate, it’s almost guaranteed to prove how ultimately spaghetti you are.

A couple days following the date, it’s important to alert your love interest that you’re still interested in them. The best way to display your attraction is to text them approximately every 15 minutes, even if they don’t reply. Send memes during all hours of the night, text them novels about your undying love for them and add their friends and family members on all forms of social media. It doesn’t get more spaghetti than that.

If the previously mentioned tips don’t seem to work, just remember that Mountain Dew and anime will always be there for you because it was your first love. Practice some vape tricks and love will come naturally.

  *Spaghetti kid: (noun) A strange individual that sends unsettling vibes, although it may be hard to put a finger on a specific trait that makes them so mysterious. May or may not have spaghetti in their pocket.