CK-Express, we need to talk…

The agonizing screen I have to see every time CK-Express decides it needs to conduct an update check.

Screenshot Provided by Delaney Gramlick

The agonizing screen I have to see every time CK-Express decides it needs to conduct an update check.

Delaney Gramlick, Entertainment Editor

Dear CK-Express,

You’re ruining my life. Every day, every second is plagued by your incessant need to torment me. I open my chromebook and what is staring back at me? CK-Express. Oh you need to switch tabs? Funny! You can’t. CK-Express won’t let you. Not to even mention the million update checks per day. Is it necessary, really? At least I can go to bed at night knowing my chromebook is up to date! Because that’s my biggest concern in life! Who even are you, CK-Express? What do you do? Where did you come from? Why LHS’s chromebooks? Why me? I don’t understand. 

I might not know what you are, or why you’re here. But I do know how terribly you’re affecting my life. You slow down my pages. You randomly close my tabs. Important tabs. I’m-in-the-middle-of-an-intense-project tabs. You give no justification, you need no justification. No one questions CK-Express’s authority. All mighty, untouchable CK-Express. You rub it in, too. In every slow tab, in every random shut down, you sign your name. CK-Express branded clearly in a corner, or on the very tab itself, making it clear to everyone who is responsible for the action. You’re a menace, you’re a psycho. And you like it. You love making teenagers cry. Maybe just one teenager. Upon further reflection I can’t think of any of my peers who have cried because of CK-Express. Possibly just myself. But know that they’re mad at least. Everyone hates you, CK-Express. 

I’ve done some research, and I’ve discovered who you are. The CK-Express website lists you as a content keeper and extension for chromebook user identification, but I’m not that naive. I know that’s just a front. You live to destroy lives. I’m taking the real advice from Urban Dictionary, known for its reputation, who defines CK-Express as “a shit*y website used by schools and companies to monitor devices, but it usually just slows them down to taking 10 seconds to load pages.” This definition is much more congruent with the CK-Express that I know and hate.

Please, for the sake of my sanity, see yourself out of my life. Don’t get me wrong, you’re not the first terrible addition to the Sioux Falls School District chromebooks. There was the random addition of our birth year to our chromebook passwords. That was worse than trying to remember to switch the year on dates after the new year has passed. Of course, we can’t forget the age of Lanschool: also horrifying. But you, CK-Express, are a different kind of evil. Spawn of Satan, sent to destroy me kind of evil. Please. Go away.