CK-Express, we need to talk…

Screenshot Provided by Delaney Gramlick
The agonizing screen I have to see every time CK-Express decides it needs to conduct an update check.
October 28, 2022
Dear CK-Express,
You’re ruining my life. Every day, every second is plagued by your incessant need to torment me. I open my chromebook and what is staring back at me? CK-Express. Oh you need to switch tabs? Funny! You can’t. CK-Express won’t let you. Not to even mention the million update checks per day. Is it necessary, really? At least I can go to bed at night knowing my chromebook is up to date! Because that’s my biggest concern in life! Who even are you, CK-Express? What do you do? Where did you come from? Why LHS’s chromebooks? Why me? I don’t understand.
I might not know what you are, or why you’re here. But I do know how terribly you’re affecting my life. You slow down my pages. You randomly close my tabs. Important tabs. I’m-in-the-middle-of-an-intense-project tabs. You give no justification, you need no justification. No one questions CK-Express’s authority. All mighty, untouchable CK-Express. You rub it in, too. In every slow tab, in every random shut down, you sign your name. CK-Express branded clearly in a corner, or on the very tab itself, making it clear to everyone who is responsible for the action. You’re a menace, you’re a psycho. And you like it. You love making teenagers cry. Maybe just one teenager. Upon further reflection I can’t think of any of my peers who have cried because of CK-Express. Possibly just myself. But know that they’re mad at least. Everyone hates you, CK-Express.
I’ve done some research, and I’ve discovered who you are. The CK-Express website lists you as a content keeper and extension for chromebook user identification, but I’m not that naive. I know that’s just a front. You live to destroy lives. I’m taking the real advice from Urban Dictionary, known for its reputation, who defines CK-Express as “a shit*y website used by schools and companies to monitor devices, but it usually just slows them down to taking 10 seconds to load pages.” This definition is much more congruent with the CK-Express that I know and hate.
Please, for the sake of my sanity, see yourself out of my life. Don’t get me wrong, you’re not the first terrible addition to the Sioux Falls School District chromebooks. There was the random addition of our birth year to our chromebook passwords. That was worse than trying to remember to switch the year on dates after the new year has passed. Of course, we can’t forget the age of Lanschool: also horrifying. But you, CK-Express, are a different kind of evil. Spawn of Satan, sent to destroy me kind of evil. Please. Go away.
Ghost • Mar 20, 2023 at 2:04 pm
EXACTLY when I am trying to log into my assignments all i see is CK EXPRESS LOADING IN MY SCREAM FOR LIKE 2 MINUTES. LIKE GET OUT OF MY LIFE PLEASE
Ryen • Mar 7, 2023 at 12:31 pm
CK Express L
jack meoff • Mar 9, 2023 at 8:36 pm
CK express = not Halal mode
Sunny • Mar 3, 2023 at 3:11 pm
THIS IS SO REAL I AGREE SO HARD AND I DONT EVE GO TO YOUR SCHOOL I GO TO ANOTHER ONE IN WHICH IT IS ALSO TORMENTED BY CK-EXPRESS
Noah • Feb 17, 2023 at 4:55 pm
THANK YOU. Even though I don’t go to this school, I feel your pain. I just want to log into my Chromebook without having to wait 5 minutes for CK to load
Violet • Feb 15, 2023 at 2:12 pm
so true though. its not just your schools either. its affecting the chromebooks of st tammany parish too..
Kateryna • Jan 18, 2023 at 4:51 pm
I hate CK Express can’t do anything with it!
Liam • Jan 3, 2023 at 11:01 pm
I HATE CK EXPRESS. I can’t play my games anymore. 🙁