I love to spoon. I spoon everything; stuffed animals, your mom, life-sized cut outs of Simon Cowel, literal spoons, small elephants… You name it, I spoon it. Yet, there is a prominent stigma attached to being the small spoon. In a heterosexual relationship, the male is expected to be the big spoon and the women is expected to be the little spoon. To this, I say ‘go suck a fork; small spooning is for everyone.’

Before we can live in a world where men can be small spoons without fear of social prosecution, however, we must first learn to accept ourselves. I first realized my affinity for being held when I was an infant. Eight weeks after I was born, my mother picked me up for the first time. I quite liked not being left on the street to die. Ever since then, I have enjoyed the sensation of being held. If you feel the same way, don’t fear. Statistics provided by the AFF (Alternative Facts Foundation) reveal that most men are, at the very least, small-spoon curious. Once we find ourselves, we can find our big spoon… and happiness.

Of course, there is an even larger stigma attached to women who want to be the big spoon. They get called names like “progressive person,” “feminist” and worst of all “confident.” The world has oppressed women for millennia, so let’s defy the world. Be a freaking ladle, if that’s what you want to be.

To further obliterate the gender relation between spoon sizes, we must understand why the correlation exists. It all began in ancient Sioux Falls, known at the time as Sue Fills. George Washington (not the president, the spoon inventor) was inventing a contraption to more effectively transfer liquid from bowl to mouth. He experimented with a myriad of methods; eyelash extensions that used the kinetic energy from blinking to lift the soup to the mouth, chopsticks and duct tape. He even invented a machine that used electricity to power an engine that transferred the broth to the pie hole. Interestingly, Bill Gates is often considered the father of electricity, however, Washington is the true inventor. Unfortunately, he did not realize the versatility of his invention. He only wanted to eat soup. So 4,000 years later, Gates stole the show. Nevertheless, Washington’s inventions all failed… that is, until one fateful night. Washington was a loser, he was a 37-year-old living with his parents. One night, as he crawled into his parents bed to sleep with them, he noticed the manner in which they were holding each other. And BAM! the spoon was born. But, of course, his dad was the big spoon and his mom was the little and BAM! gender spoon norms were also born.

It is time this double standard ends. A man being the small spoon does not hurt anyone. Similarly, a women being the big spoon does not hurt anyone either (save the church). So, let’s end this injustice. Because the world is our silverware drawer and we all need to fit together, despite our differences.