A recent study conducted by The Statesman reveals that nobody uses their locker. No, like seriously, not one person has ever used their locker.

This is unfortunate, as many students are unaware of the many benefits included with their locker package. We, at The Statesman, took the initiative to list them below. Remember, lockers are free for all students; however, payment is accepted by The Statesman.

The Locker Package includes:

• A lock: You know, so one can hide stuff, like one’s ex’s cat that one may have stole because their ex (Patrick AKA Pat) is a cheater cheater other-people-but-never-my-pumpkin eater.
• A free hook: With a little imagination, one can do a lot with a hook: fishing, catching fish, fish hunting.
• A floor: This is an incredibly considerate safety feature, no more falling forever. Wow! Sign me up!
• Air vents: this diversifies the locker to an amazing hiding area in case one forgets to wear their ID or is caught with ear buds in the hallway. Also, if one is a senior, one can now eat lunch in their locker. What an unbelievable deal?!
• A personal assistant that isn’t afraid to get up close and personal.
• A doctor for after one’s assistant gets too up close and personal and one questions the cleanliness of their assistant.