On Saturday Mar. 3,  I confidently strode into Sephora in search of a self-tanner. I was disappointed to find that the tester turned my pasty arms green. Oh well, that isn’t the point of this story. The point is to expose the horrors of Sephora face masks.

My Hulk arms decided to still pamper myself. I looked to the face masks and purchased the $8 “moisture and soothing” clay mask. I hurried home as I was due to babysit the three most adorable children in the world. I was busy taking care of the lives of the adolescents until about midnight, so I felt the need to max and relax. I proceeded to put on some comfy pj’s and wash my face (comment below if I should drop my skincare routine.) I then cracked open the clay mask and applied a THIN layer of the purple mask onto my moisture-needing face. Then I waited the torturous 15 minute wait period before washing off the goo.

The 15 minutes passed fairly quickly and I delicately washed the mask off. I applied moisturizer and felt good and mumbled to myself, “Now that my skin is getting better, all I have to do is lose some weight and it’s over for you girls.”

Alas, I went to bed feeling confident and woke up with quite the contrary feeling. My face was bright red and itchier than taking a bath in a tub full of 5,000 leaves of poison ivy. What had I done wrong? Absolutely nothing.

I applied an excessive amount of aloe vera to my face but found no relief. I pushed through Sunday, anxiously awaiting Monday where I would have to face my fellow peers looking like a tomato. Maybe I could play it off? Perhaps I could tell a tale of my “quick trip to Cancun” where I forgot my sunscreen at home and got burned.

Sadly enough, no one bought it. The moment I walked into Statesman a very candid student asked, “What happened to your face?” My response? “Sephora happened.”