Lincoln High School Statesman

Watch this: Weight Watchers pulls a Jonah Hill

Photo provided by Mike Mozart of TheToyChannel and JeepersMedia on YouTube.

Photo provided by Mike Mozart of TheToyChannel and JeepersMedia on YouTube.

Mike Mozart

Mike Mozart

Photo provided by Mike Mozart of TheToyChannel and JeepersMedia on YouTube.

Gage Gramlick, Editor-in-chief

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Weight Watchers is shifting its narrative. In an attempt to be more body positive, the titan health company has decided to drop the weight from its name, electing to go by WW.

“We think it’s time for a change,” said chief executive Mindy Grossman. “We don’t want to focus just on weight; we want to focus on health and overall wellness. So, we made like all fat women should and dropped the weight.”

When asked why the company changed names, no one really knew why.

“Sometimes things change,” said Grossman. “For example, my husband used to love me, then I had ugly children, and now he doesn’t. Oh well. Change and stretch marks truly are the only constants in life.”

Since the #tuesdaytransformation, WW has seen a 27 percent spike in sales. Despite the economic flare, many customers are infuriated with WW.

“Now when I go to their website, I’m very confused,” said layperson Linda Conrad. “It used to be So easy. Now it’s Like how many ‘w’s’ do we need? Not that many, Steve. Not that many.”

Others, however, are ecstatic about the progressive, empowering stance WW is taking.

“No- I don’t eat meat,” said Candice Lynn White Johnson, a basic gal. “I know you didn’t ask that, but it definitely needed to be said. #lactoovo. LOL. Anyways, I really appreciate WW endorsing that football player with, um, well, you know, the hair and the, well anyways. He’s very pretty by the way.”

This shift comes right after another major change for the company. Two weeks ago M&M’s, the candy conglomerate, absorbed the then Weight Watchers. Since, the two business’s marketing strategies have seen drastic updates.

“We figured what do our customers and Weight Watcher’s customers have in common? They like food. Duh,” said Harry L. Beanman, the CEO of m&m’s. “Incidentally, we rolled out a new product: W&W’s. They’re really just m&m’s, but upside down and marketed towards the people who have overused our staple product.”

The new product is flying off the shelves, with 73 percent of American grandmothers being daily consumers.

“Oh yes,” said a grandmother.

This story is developing.

Gage Gramlick, Editor-in-Chief

LHS senior Gage Gramlick is editor-in-chief of the online and print versions of the Statesman. He is also editor-in-chief of your mom. Outside of giving...

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