Disclaimer: This is a satire. None of this information should be taken seriously. 

It’s a tale as old as time. A girl walks down the hallway. Someone bumps into her and her armful of books spill on the ground. The hot guy rushes to her aid to help pick up her scattered papers. They stare deeply into each other’s eyes and the next thing you know, they are the “it” couple of the school. If only high school love was like the movies. Young love is nothing as it seems to be. 

Movies and TV shows glorify the need to have a relationship in high school. They brush away what high school actually consists of (homework and applying for scholarships) and focus too much on the relationship aspect. Can you believe that madness? Movie characters can let their hormones run wild and they don’t get “PDA is not the Lincoln way” yelled at them in the hallway. If you don’t have a relationship before the first quarter of high school ends, good luck loser — you will certainly end up dying alone. Students are trying to deal with algebra homework and find someone to marry the minute they graduate from high school; that’s too much for someone to have on their plate.

Technology just makes it harder for teenagers to fall in love. Seeing everybody’s perfect relationships on Instagram makes you feel sad that you’re single. I have a solution: just pull up a page on dogs. They’re just as cute as the couple eating pasta like Lady and the Tramp. It’s just grid after grid of lovey-dovey photos. What happens if you break up? You might as well just log off and throw your phone in the middle of the emotion ocean. Log off and go outside. Nature can just be as exciting as seeing the popular couple’s trip to Paris for senior year. 

In this day and age, everyone seems to be “talking” to someone. You’ll hear that everyone is “talking” to engage in a friendship and a relationship. A month later, they haven’t gotten anywhere. What were they doing all that time? Traveling the world? Talking with thirteen other people? The most common possibility is friendzoning. This haunting bubble is inescapable and a pit that drags you deep into a void of rejection and despair. Getting a Razor Scooter to the ankle is easier to accept than moving on from throwing your feelings to your crush and being immediately thrown in the trash. 

When you are stuck in the same building for seven hours a day as the person that is responsible for turning you into a mushy mess of love, it is a recipe guaranteed for a disaster. People can say that high school love is just like the movies, but it is ugly and brutal. Listen up freshman: don’t worry about trying to find someone here, college is an ocean of variety only four years away.