Small talk is one of my biggest pet peeves. Do I talk too much? Do I seem super awkward? How do I seem interesting or likable in one simple conversation? Harvard researchers have found that the key isn’t being interesting yourself, but letting others feel interesting.

According to a 2017 study published in Journal of Personality and Social Psychology by Harvard, the “Three Question Rule” will cause people to like you more in conversation. The rule is that you must ask one start-up question, followed by at least two follow up questions in order to dramatically increase your likability.

“We converse with others to learn what they know — their information, stories, preferences, ideas, thoughts and feelings — as well as to share what we know while managing others’ perceptions of us,” authors say. “[When we ask more questions, we] are perceived as higher in responsiveness, an interpersonal construct that captures listening, understanding, validation and care.”

So, listening to people talk about themselves helps them enjoy the conversation more and enjoy you more as well. According to a UC Santa Barbara study in 2012, about 40 percent of our daily speech is subjective conversation about our experiences and feelings throughout our days. People do this because they cannot help it. Our brain chemistry activates in the same areas that trigger feelings of reward, from eating food or getting money, when we talk about ourselves. In summary, people love to talk about themselves, so listen to them talk their talk.

However, just sitting and subconsciously listening to a person talk won’t automatically make them like you. You have to actively listen and follow up with questions to increase likability. People like to be responded to, validated and cared for, which is what actively engaging in the “Three Question Rule” will convey. 

“Asking questions that follow up on the other person’s responses cause and convey better listening, understanding, validation and care,” the Harvard study reports. “The question asker’s responsiveness, in turn, is likely to cause him or her to be better liked by the question answerer.”

The solution to small talk is simple: ask questions, listen to the other person and ask more follow up questions. Then you will be liked without saying much of anything at all about yourself.