The greatest problem facing LHS students today is not grades, poverty, or STD’s, no, it’s chapped-arse syndrome. Yes, the red-rump, the blistered bosom, tender tosh- we’ve all been there. Of course, the toilet paper provided by the school is poor in quality due to the need to keep costs low. We can’t blame administration, they make cuts where they have to. Yet, there are solutions that we, as students, can execute.

• Bring your own toilet paper

If you happen to be wealthy enough to afford your own TP, I recommend bringing it to school. Hook it to your key chain. Even make a fashion statement with customizable paper from http://www.printedtp.com/.

• Have a fundraiser for the toilet paper fund

People could compete to see who could produce the largest dumps and others could bet on the winner. At the end, the people who bet on the person with grandest dropping would receive a prize, while the profits would directly fund the “Poops and giggles” fund.

• Feed the students less in order to decrease frequency of pooping

Self-explanatory.

• Don’t wipe

Instead, embrace your natural lubricant. Be free, be you!

• Diapers

If you’re worried about leakage, this is a good compromise.

The toilet paper provided for students fails to wipe my tears, let alone my poop. It is time we take a stand and find a solution to this atrocity because this isn’t just bull crap, it’s our crap.