"The best way to predict your future is to create it." Abraham Lincoln

Lincoln High School Statesman

"The best way to predict your future is to create it." Abraham Lincoln

Lincoln High School Statesman

"The best way to predict your future is to create it." Abraham Lincoln

Lincoln High School Statesman

Tall people are annoying

LHS sophomore Callaway Weeks, a 6’ 3” tyrant, ignores LHS junior Katya Surendran, a 5’0” queen, revealing a perpetual inequality between heights.
Shalom Kato
LHS sophomore Callaway Weeks, a 6’ 3” tyrant, ignores LHS junior Katya Surendran, a 5’0” queen, revealing a perpetual inequality between heights.

One day during the passing period, I walked in the halls attempting to get to statistics. I felt a balance shift in the atmosphere and perhaps the time continuum. I look up and see an extremely tall brunette boy nonchalantly walking in front of me. I was startled by the gigantic skyscraper that was this teen, but I thought nothing of it. 

Until I realized the pace he was walking at.

For reference, I am barely 5’0” on a good day, and this lanky lad’s shoulder was several inches taller than the top of my head. I approximated about 6 ‘2.” So imagine my disdain when this man, who has the leg span of my entire body, walked slower than a toddler who just learned how to take his first steps. He inched into the halls so sluggishly that even though I was only four classrooms away from statistics, I managed to arrive at my destination five seconds late. So out of pure vengeance, I have accumulated a list of annoying actions tall people commit so each person with large standing can stop being such a pain in the butt. I hope with this charitable article to aid vertically gifted students so they, too, can become normal functioning members of society and not acclimate into inconvenient poles. Lastly, I would like to dedicate this eye-opening list to the kind peer who made me late for my statistics class. Without you, this article would never have been possible, so thank you from the depths of my soul. Everyone, please high-five this gentleman in the halls when you see him. Pro tip: ensure to aim for the face.

So, without further ado, here is my very revered, extremely necessary, wonderfully crafted and definitely unscripted list of annoying actions tall people do.

  1. Walk slowly.  I already know I complained about my painful experience with a tall boy strolling at a snail’s pace, but I want to reiterate that this occurrence is not an anomaly. Every person and their mothers know the extreme irritation when a tall person who has the ability to essentially reach their destination in two steps takes 200 steps instead. You are basically throwing away your physical advantage as humans and spitting in shorter people’s faces. How can I, a person half your height, beat you in distance? You are a living, breathing contradiction and just exist to cause people road rage in the halls. Walking slowly as a tall person is like having the answers to a quiz but still managing to get a 39%.  If you are a tall person who has this condition, please get some immediate help. For people’s safety and your own, walk faster. Personally, I think a tall person walking slowly should be considered reckless endangerment and should be punished as such.
  2. Not being able to dunk. I know some people may try to bring up NBA basketball players who average 7’0,” but I am talking about tall people you would see in the LHS halls, not professional basketball players. How are you going to be six foot five and not innately know how to dunk? At a certain threshold, you literally just need to jump and slam the ball in the hoop like it’s a trash bin. So many tall people I know in LHS do not know how to dunk, and if you do not know how to dunk as a tall person, what are you doing? 
  3. Actually, not being able to play basketball in general. Naturally, you would think tall people have the “basketball blood” in them, but in actuality, a lot of them are some of the worst players I have ever seen. When I see a seven-foot kid get dodged and get his legs broken by a kid half his size, I cannot help but chuckle. 
  4. Comment on height. I know you, out of all people, did not just comment on how short I am. You stick out like a sore thumb, and I literally mean stick out. You look like a skyscraper in a wheat field when you are in crowds. At least I, a person with an objectively short stature, can be stealthy without an astronomically loud echo of thumps each step I take. You aren’t exactly as graceful as a gazelle, so the number of clumsy birch trees who try to comment on my height is truly appalling. Try underestimating me and I will dive at your ankles and chomp them. I am an ankle chomper.
  5. Bending down. I am not a five-year-old, nor is anyone under or at 5’11,” so do not lean down. I get you are too cool to listen to the short peasant at your height, so you lower yourself to reach to their level, but one day, they will wind their hand up to slap you in the face. When you bend down, they probably feel like that one white crusty chihuahua your one aunt brings to Thanksgiving and all the relatives stoop low to pet. And like that crusty chihuahua, they likely are plotting to get you back.

So to all tall people, if you stop doing the horrible, awful, repulsive actions stated above, maybe I will like you. Or not.

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About the Contributor
Shalom Kato
Shalom Kato, Staff Writer
Shalom Kato is an LHS senior,  Statesman staff writer and a tea-taster extraordinaire. When she is not diligently working on stories, she can likely be found making up her extremely late homework in the debate room. Kato often spends her free time analyzing crime documentaries, attempting and failing at karate YouTube tutorials, perusing around downtown Sioux Falls and being forced to drive her friends.
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  • OwenFeb 21, 2024 at 3:07 pm

    YES SHALOM AND KATYA THIS IS SOOOO FUNNY

    Reply
  • ZoeNov 14, 2023 at 9:05 pm

    This has me audibly laughing right now, I love.

    Reply