Hello. My name is Gage, and I am a vegetarian who eats meat. Confusing? That’s okay, I’ll explain. See, I used be just a regular omnivorous guy that was open about my meek affinity for meat. Then 2016 happened and I learned that I can be anything simply by labeling myself the title of my aspiration. There is no need for actual qualifications, the only prerequisite to success is conviction. For example, I often refer to myself in the third person as ‘boss.’ Consequently, people treat me like a boss. They believe me… I mean, why wouldn’t they? I am a young, white male from the midwest (sorry, too real?).

Speaking of white privilege, my lord and savior Donald Trump is the Dumbledore of the wizarding world of disillusioning, gaslighting and labeling. Look to him for all answers to questions that shouldn’t be asked. How do I make that girl to like me? Trump would say, ‘Look, son or daughter which is fine, absolutely fine, just great, tremendously great, bright future, you got a bright future, kid. Anyways, to make a girl to like you, you show her who wears the pants in the relationship. Because everybody knows only one person can wear pants in the family. Just ask Melania, she never wears pants.’ How do I run a successful business? Trump would say, ‘To run a successful business all you need to do is say that you’re running a successful business, nothing else.’ What about investors? Cash-flow? Employee-relations? ‘Very funny, now let’s stop talking Am-ju-haric and start speaking the real language of business, American.’ How do I achieve your youthful tan? ‘Fantastic question. Absolutely fantastic. It’s actually rather simple. All you have to do is gather around 20 wealthy, white men to sit around and kiss your arse. The power from them will give you my midsummer in a cheeto bag glow.’ Wait, isn’t that just your presidential cabinet?

Despite Trump nominating a grizzly bear-fearing, incoherent, unqualified yak for secretary of education, he taught America boat-loads this year (no pun intended- boats, immigrants, get it? haha). There is immense power in labeling. Say it enough, and it becomes virtually true. He yelled his non-existent qualifications from the mountain tops and, worse, we believed him. Hel*, we elected him as president! So, let’s make the best of the situation and learn to use his dark magic against him.