February 13- Hiding “lost” Blackberries at oversea pantsuit factory

Clinton was seen fleeing a pantsuit factory in Benghazi, Libya. Clinton used funds from the Clinton Foundation to employ war orphans for three cents a day. The factory is managed by aides of Clinton’s campaign. The suits are made from the skin and hair of Bill’s side chicks and shards of Blackberry phones to remind Clinton that she is invincible.

“When she carries the pieces of the phones and thus the emails, so close to her, she feels like she’s showing the world that no one can stop her, that she is above the government,” said an anonymous source close to the Clintons (totally not Chelsea Clinton). “It makes her feel as if she is as powerful as God.”

March- She changed her style to appeal and distract voters

Clinton has changed her hairstyle, clothing and speaking style to the likings of voters. Mrs. Clinton has recently cut her hair to resemble another famous politician, Donald Trump. Clinton believes that this will appeal to the die-hard Trump supporters, as she thinks that the American people no longer care about policy but rather appearance.

“I don’t know why the American people like an orange with a taupe, but if that is what they like, that is what they are going to get,” said Clinton’s personal stylist.

Clinton has also made many trips to the tanning salon and has now ordered her pantsuit factory to produce larger suits. She is now spending all her free time she was planning on devoting to running the country, to watching every video she can find of Trump speaking.

“Her hand gestures are HUGE,” said Trump, after he watched Clinton beg him to give up the presidency to her. “Too bad she’s still a loser.”

May 15th-She launched a new political organization to keep competitors down

After losing the election Clinton decided that there was only one way to ensure success in the future. So she founded the Onward Together organization. She says that it is to encourage people to run for office, get involved and to support Democratic groups. We sent in our top investigative reporter, Bernie Sanders to infiltrate the organization. Sanders returned drooling, hypnotized and confused. He had lost all will to create a future to believe in and only wished to make America stronger together under Clinton´s leadership. Sanders also reported that many top members of Congress were also attending the meeting.