The whole plot behind the Bachelor is sexist and incredibly hard to watch, but hey, I’m still going to watch it anyway. Let’s dive in.

Night one. Initial thoughts: “Let’s hope this isn’t like Nick’s season. Also, why are there so many blondes?” Honestly, the women began to blur together as the night continued. With each bronzed leg and cleavage bearing woman, my mind began to wonder, “Where does ABC find these women?”

Arie Luyendyk seems like a decent guy. He was last seen five years ago on Emily Maynard’s season when she completely blindsided him with a one way ticket home. Luyendyk is a real estate agent and part-time race car driver. NBD, he is a stud with salt and pepper hair. His nickname: The Kissing Bandit. Let’s hope he knows how to handle these 29 wild women.

We had girls show up in race cars, vintage cars and masks. A girl from Weiner, AR gave Luyendyk a mini weiner in hopes that he “doesn’t already have one”. The cocktail ceremony can only go up from here.

Two night one favorites are Krystal, the fitness coach and kind hearted volunteer, and Bekah, the nanny with the cherry red ‘65 Mustang. The rest are to be determined.

34 minutes into the first episode and already the claws are out. Chelsea from Portland needs to chilllll. This woman started off appealing to your heart by telling the world she is a single mother, like that has not already been a bombshell on past seasons, but then she opens her mouth and all I can think is, “Okay is she 29 or 16? This girl is CRAZY.” My favorite quote of her’s so far is, “I’m making bold moves because, being a single mother, I deserve more time than others.” But it’s okay guys, because she’s “actually a really not rude person”. *eye rolls*

As night one draws to a close the one takeaway is: do not let a bunch of starving, gorgeous girls with an obvious lack in self-confidence fight for a man in a house full of champagne. Stay tuned for the next weekly review of “The Bachelor”.