I want to get hit by a mail truck. Strange? Yes. Smart? Yes. Dangerous? Probably. Here is the thing: I will be a senior next year, and that is crazy because it means that I am going to have to go to college. What is even more scary is that I am going to have to pay for college.

One night I sat down with my parents to have a very serious conversation about how I am going to do that.

“I need to pay for college,” I said. “Thus I’ve decided that I am going to do my very best to accidentally get hit by a mail truck.”

The looks on my parents’ faces were ones of horror and disappointment. How could their favorite and smartest child make the decision that she wanted to hurt herself, with a mail truck? I knew I needed a better explanation to get them on board.

“This may sound outrageous,” I continued. “But it is the best way. You see, mail trucks don’t have insurance, and so if I were to be injured by one, I would be able to sue the Federal government directly .”

It was at that moment that I saw my dad begin to come around.

“Why would you want to deal with the government?” he said. “I think our best bet is for you to get hit by Denny Sanford. He’ll feel so bad for hitting his neighbor that maybe he’ll pay for your siblings’ college as well.”

While I saw and still see the validity of his point, I have decided to keep my sights set on a mail truck, because it is something I can write college essays about. And maybe there is a scholarship for students impacted by postal vehicles.

Note: This article is completely satirical. I do not want to harm myself by throwing myself in the path of a mail truck, but am making a comment on the extraordinary measures that seem to be needed in order to pay for college in the modern world. If you are someone who would consider throwing themselves into harm’s way just to pay for college, please contact the LHS counseling department.