Lincoln High School Statesman

Weekly horoscopes

The astrological signs

The astrological signs

Photo by Tavmjong

Photo by Tavmjong

The astrological signs

Charlie Turner, Staff Writer

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Astrology may not be accurate all the time, but when I spoke to the stars directly, they told me, “The stars? Wait, you were talking to me? Uhhh,” and “Can you get out of this Home Depot? We don’t know who you are.” Here is your week, according to the real life questions I had answered by the stars.

Capricorn: Tough choices are heading your way this week, and you may have to step out of your box. No matter what happens, it is definitely the week to ask your mom to stop crying over her divorce.

Pisces: New information is coming towards you, and although sharing the insight you get is very important, it is more important to stop and ask yourself just why and how you know so much about digesting full, uncracked eggs.

Libra: You may finally learn single-digit addition this week, so it is a good time to call up your dad and ask him to come home.

Aquarius: The goat creature you encountered in your ominously vivid dream is vital to a quest you must embark on this week, but definitely not in the way you might think.

Aries: Yes, the Wal-Mart employee will indeed ask you how your week is going, however he did not want to hear the story of how your elevator pitch for a live-action “Garfield and Odie” rom-com got you kicked out of the movie theater.

Cancer: I think this quote from online personality Gage Gramlick sums your week up, Cancer. “You’re sure this is off the record? Okay, “The Nut Job” was, and still is, my favorite movie. Yeah, I pretend it’s “The Boss Baby” to seem all tough inside, but after a long day of hating all minorities I like to sit down, crack open a Juicy Juice (Apple Crunch, of course) and laugh my a** off to “The Nut Job,” and if I’m feeling a little crazy, “The Nut Job 2.” Anyway, what was the question? Oh, no, I don’t believe in climate change.”

Gemini: The stars say something good is coming your way for once in your sad, sad life.

Leo: A liar and a cheater will try to tell you that you cannot make a living out of telling strangers that you are random famous people and begging for money. They are most definitely lying.

Virgo: Sometime this week, sacrifices will have to be made. Say goodbye to grandma.

Taurus: No matter how hard this week gets, remember you can get free refills on same-day visits at McDonalds, and that is what matters most.

Scorpio: Stop trying to solve your own problems. Blame them on someone else and move on.

Sagittarius: Life will throw whatever possible to get you down, Sagittarius. Get ready for so many lemons.

Charlie Turner, Staff Writer

Charlie Turner is a sophomore with a passion for the “Die Hard” movies, as well as the show “Brooklyn Nine-Nine.” While Turner is not busy, she...

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One Response to “Weekly horoscopes”

  1. mika gochal on September 28th, 2018 11:16 am