The worst thing about America


Elizabeth Boysen

A wall of artificial cheese is a common sight at almost all grocery stores.

Elizabeth Boysen, Staff Writer

Disclaimer: Some reading the title may think this article is controversial and politically charged. While possibly controversial, it is in no way political.

The worst aspect of America is not our government or the impending threat of nuclear war (sorry for that dismal note). No. It is something far worse. American cheese.

When I say American cheese, I mean specifically, the mass-produced, single packaged, one molecule away from plastic sorry excuse for cheese.

American cheese is a staple of most people’s childhood; it is convenient and inexpensive. Grilled cheese and other cheese-related dishes often appear on many people’s dinner tables.

I do not in any way intend to offend anyone with this article; the cheese you enjoy is none of my business and whatever you choose to put on your sandwiches is completely your choice. Even I regularly enjoyed American cheese when I was younger; in fact, I ate it plain. An action I now regret. With preservatives galore and ingredients most people cannot pronounce their first try, this cheese might as well be made of plastic.

This summer, my brother conducted an experiment. He took one of the American singles from our fridge still wrapped in its plastic and put it outside on the deck. After a week of sitting in the same place in 80 plus degree heat and direct sunlight, it had not changed. We also have outside cats; they didn’t touch it, and neither did our dogs. No animals would take it. If this doesn’t speak to the sheer crime that is American cheese, I don’t know what does.

This may seem like an overreaction, but not only is American cheese grossly artificial, it just is not good. I apologize if you feel strongly against this fact, I am mostly sorry that your taste in cheese is inferior.