Since preschool, young Americans have been taught not to judge people based on their appearances. Whether it’s something they’re born with or how they present themselves, we’ve always known that it’s not what’s on the outside that matters, but rather the inside. Of course, this is a great way to teach children to be kind and understanding to one another, but what if there’s a way to read a person just from one accessory? Never has it been easier to determine someone’s character from one glance than in today’s COVID-19 world. Looking around LHS, students will notice a variety of different mask wearing styles, including the upstanding citizen, the sniffer, the chin strap and the nudist. Despite the latter three all looking foolish, these different styles tend to showcase different types of people. 

The most common breed of faulty-masker is the sniffer. These people clearly love secretly smelling their seat partner while they’re not looking. It’s almost unethical to force a mask mandate at this point when it puts such a burden on these people’s desires. In addition, normal people can now identify where the boogers under the desks are coming from, because it’s not the people wearing their masks correctly that are picking their nose. This type of style, surprisingly, transcends any and all boundaries. You can see students who republished a picture of President Biden on their VSCO going to school the very next day looking like they want to Make America Great Again. My solution to this problem: next time you see a sniffer, make a claw with your index and middle finger and hook these kids by their nostrils. No one will dare to wear their mask wrong with this risk going around.

Secondly, and most confusing, we have the chin strap. I want to know why these students decide to wear their mask like this, but I don’t want to get close enough to ask them. Unlike the sniffer, these people aren’t even attempting to pass as mask wearers. They manage to achieve the Maskne and sore ears, while also spit talking and showcasing their half-brains. This combination is perfect for those who just want to see the world burn, because it harms everyone, including the wearer. 

Before we move onto the cringiest style, here are some honorable mentions: the neck gaiter; those who wear a mask, but pull it down to speak; the one-ear-dangle (a teacher favorite); the PDAers (social distance, please, for the love of God); and the mask-free face shield sporters. 

Last, and certainly least, there’s the nudist. These types of students don’t have a mask at all, nor empathy or the ability to think. This style is at least somewhat understandable considering the tendency of these anti-maskers to be mouth-breathers who don’t want to smell their own hot breath all day. They just want to be free, and if they weren’t required to, they probably wouldn’t wear any clothes at all. If we can enforce a shoes, shirt and pants mandate, I don’t see why we can’t apply the same logic to masks. My favorite part about this style is that you can tell the students who rock it know they look like a cretin. None of the nudists are walking around the school confident; they’re all diverting their eyes and twiddling their fingers while upstanding citizens give them the evil eye. Hopefully one day their embarrassment will overcome them and they’ll decide wearing a mask really isn’t that hard.

And it isn’t. Most students at LHS are able to wear their mask completely right, whether it be a disposable or cloth variant. The U.S. Center for Disease Control gives weekly updates on how to best protect oneself and others from COVID-19. Last week, they released a report saying that wearing a cloth mask over a disposable mask “substantially improved source control and reduced wearer exposure.” Disposable masks are provided by LHS around the school, including in Student Services and the Administration entrance. Reusable masks can be purchased at most grocery and convenience stores in Sioux Falls for less than $5. Following CDC recommended mask-wearing styles and other safety measures is not only cheap and easy, but it’s also necessary to protect the students and staff of LHS and overcome this devastating pandemic.