To the friends I’ve loved and lost, 

I still think about you. Whether or not we haven’t spoken in weeks or years, you seem to find a way to pop up in my head every now and then, some of you more often than others. Inevitably, school doesn’t stop schooling over friend break-ups, and hallway or in-class run-ins are inescapable. There’s always a quick surge of panic when we mistakenly lock eyes, and in a moment’s notice, we have to decide whether or not to awkwardly wave or ignore each other completely. A part of me would rather not see you at all, but even then something will remind me of our stupid inside jokes. Except this time, silence will cover our laughter. I’ll get the same sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that I did when you decided it was better to leave each other as memories and, for a second, I’ll almost wish we hadn’t become friends at all. As dramatic as it sounds, it’d save us both a lot of wasted time and, if nothing, hurt less. I wish ‘lucky charms’ didn’t mean anything more than a sugary breakfast or midnight snack and that Michael Jackson was only the dead musician from the 80s that he is. 

Sometimes I wonder what I could have done; what would’ve saved the friendship or where I went wrong, but the hard truth is that there simply wasn’t anything that could be done. I had exhausted myself over holding onto these loose threads between us as if they weren’t already broken and in doing so, achieved close to nothing in return. No matter how much I pushed for it to work or believed that there was still an honest connection, ultimately it was over. Now, you may be thinking, “If it was so doomed why didn’t you end it yourself?” Well, like any other relationship, you try and suppress as much of the negative as you can while clinging onto the highlights for dear life (which is especially difficult if there wasn’t much negative to begin with.) 

There’s a certain sad, desperate, hope that someday it’ll be the same all over again. Unfortunately, that rarely appears to be true in relationships and friendships. Just like ours. 

I know this was easier for you than it has been for me. You seem to have moved on faster than I could fully understand what happened, but, that’s okay. I thank you for when you were the only shoulder I had to cry on and for every laughter-rooted stomach ache. I’ll always wish you the best. 

                                                                                           Signed, Veronica Iseminger