I used to think there was too much time, but I have become all too aware that there is definitely not enough. A day does not go by where I do not wish time would play by my rules. It’s always taunting me, daring me to reach out for it when it had already slipped from my grasp long ago.

The second my day starts I become aware of its undeniable existence, right at the blaring of my alarm. It follows me through my day, from one class to the next. My palms uncontrollably sweat as I rush through my chemistry test, the clock on the wall is glaring at me the whole way through. The second I get home from school, I race to get everything done on my to-do list. Before I go to bed I calculate how many hours of rest I will get if I fall asleep at that moment. Every aspect of every day is either consciously or subconsciously arranged into my self-imposed schedule.

I have lived most of my life like this, and I think it has turned me into a stringent person over the years. I can’t sit and enjoy anything without thinking about all of the other tasks I should be completing with that time. I am unbelievably impatient, which I try to hide as much as I can, not wanting to come across as ill-mannered. I think I have become like this because I have adopted the idea that if I never find a moment to stop, in a way I might be able to run faster than time. If I use every moment of free time to do something that will help me in the future, then I can accomplish every one of my impending goals. I admit that this is simply unrealistic. I can obsess over an aspect of my life, and maybe reach my desired goals, but there is always going to be something else that I could have also done. 

While I like to blame time and its limitations for all of my problems, I can’t ignore the purpose that it brings. Knowing that my days are numbered forces me to prioritize, it forces me to acknowledge the parts of my life that I do not always think about. There have been so many occasions where I have skipped an exciting event because I had other things that I thought needed to be completed before I did anything just for the enjoyment of it. This habit has warped me into what I would call, some kind of neurotic pessimist who never likes to do anything fun. Fortunately, I am realizing that it is important to be disciplined, but it is also important to do things just because they are fun, just because they make what limited time that I have worth it. 

I will not pick fights with time anymore; I will not try to outrun it. I will accept it, make peace with it and enjoy the moments that have been graced to me because of it.