Artwork by: Nathan Thompson

Taylor Swift showing off her bulging biceps at the Eras tour

With the Eras tour making waves with audiences expendable incomes nationwide, I decided to see what the buzz was all about. Being far too cynical to actually like anything popular, naturally I was absolutely dumbfounded. But wasted time that can be used to meet a deadline is not wasted time at all. So without further ado, here is the official and only valid ranking of every Taylor Swift album. Be sure to leave a comment telling me how absolutely wrong I am, and how I did not pick up on a subtle nuance in your favorite album.

10.Fearless: This was the spot that was hardest to decide. Every album seemed to be begging for the coveted title of “worst.” Honestly, I wish I could give it to all of them, but that is not how these rankings work. This album is only remembered for two songs, and two songs only. And they are the two most overplayed songs in the entire Swift discography (“You belong with me,” and “Love Story”). And there is not much positive to look towards with this album. Overall, “Fearless” is an easy last place. I am not sorry.

9.Debut: Believe it or not, this was actually Taylor Swift’s first album (her debut, if you will). This was almost the number 10 album, but at least its popular songs are not played over and over again. However, this album does not really fit into any categories. It is not (real) country, it is not really Taylor Swift music, and it does not really fit into any categories. Honestly, this album just does not have a place in this world.

8.Lover: “I barely even know ‘er.” But in all seriousness, this album does not have much to write home about. It at least has a few bearable songs, and even some worth (*gasp*) a relisten. However, this album falls into the pit of mediocrity too often, with all of its songs being mostly “meh.” And do not even get me started on the preachy nature of this album. Politics and pop just do not mix like they did in the ‘60s. I know this album has a lot of fans, and I am sorry that I can not understand the hype. If “Lover” is your favorite, sorry for ranking it so low, but soon you’ll get better.

7.1989: Maybe Swift’s most famous album to date. Its presence can be felt almost immediately upon walking into a mall, examining pop culture from that era (or the junior class T-shirt.) So why then, would this album be ranked so low??? Well, its cultural prowess is what carried this album up to number seven. It is a good thing that Swift did not name this album “Fine Wine,” because it did not age well. The problem with this album is that everybody and everything wanted to imitate this album, or use this album or reference this album. It has been overdone. The looming presence of this album is just too much for my ears to bear. This album cannot be erased and it will haunt me forever even into my wildest dreams.

6. Midnights: More like less than mid-nights, amiright? (Please drop everything and clap for this incredible joke I have written). The newest addition to the discography, but that does not win it any points. A recurring theme in the album is Swift would have ME believe that SHE is an anti-hero! Experts put the amount of money Swift made from Eras between one to one and a half BILLION dollars. The next highest was Elton John’s Farewell Yellow Brick Road tour, raking in $853 million. A cool 647 million dollars off from Swift. She is not Tyler Durden, she is Atticus Finch (who the internet is telling me is the best film hero ever). While I actually do not mind a lot of the songs on the album, and I think featuring Lana Del Ray was a nice touch, I just cannot bring myself to put this kind of pandering in the top 50% of my ranking. I guess that is just Karma.

5.Reputation: This album has some popular songs, and some really good songs. However, it also has some songs that I do not prefer. This album gets the number five spot because (as far as Taylor Swift albums go) it is just in the middle for me. I am not going to complain about it, but I am not super thrilled about it either. I understand that maybe this is a benchmark album for Swift, but it is definitely in the middle of the pack for me. At the end of the day, I can live with this, and not feel like I did something bad.

4.Red:  The thing that catapults Red ahead of other albums is the fact that while it has songs that I feel are overplayed, or bad, it also features songs that I do not actually mind. I spent over an hour and a half listening to this album, and I can honestly say that I do not regret at least 25 of those minutes. I would be remiss if I did not address the elephant in the room that is “All Too Well 10 minute version.” While it is an absolute test of will power for me to sit and listen to a song for 10 minutes, I have to respect a creator who can get a song past eight minutes (“American Pie”) and I really like the lyrics, and the tune is not all bad. This song alone puts the album above “reputation,” because it is one of the few times I feel like Swift has gone against the mainstream, as long songs are not always as popular across a broad audience. The reason it is not higher is because a lot of the album is still pretty basic, nothing new.

3.Folklore: This album is fine. But why it is not up there with its sister album is because “Exile,” the best song on the album, one of the best songs in her whole discography, is absolutely carried by Bon Iver. The man absolutely steals Swift’s thunder. Getting upstaged on your album is going to lose you serious points. What puts it this high, is the fact that its mediocre songs (relatively speaking) are far better than many of her other albums’ mediocre songs. It was a shaky landing, but a landing nonetheless, as if the “plane” was carried down attached to God’s invisible string.

2.Speak Now: Speak Now? I am not a fan of women speaking ever, much less now. (Author’s Note: That was a joke. I actually respect women a lot. I was born out of one after all). This album is set apart from the rest for two reasons. One, there are some good songs. “Better than Revenge” is top five Swift songs for me, and “Mean” is actually one of my first interactions with Swift’s music outside of “1989”’s commanding presence. Another thing I really like about this album is the style. Swift fan or not, I have to admit, she is a genius when it comes to maintaining relevance, and this album is really a smoking gun evincing this fact. Swift’s third album features country styled music in the form of her first two albums (ex. Mean) but also pop styled songs that feel more like her next few albums genre (ex. Better than Revenge). Rather than pull a 180 on fans, it was more gradual. My ears are thankful for this, because it is a tonal shift, and makes the mainstream nonsense of this album at least feel fresh at times. As far as Taylor Swift goes, this album will always be a favorite of mine.

1.Evermore: The title of this album means forever and ever, in a chiefly ecclesiastical sense. And any reader of ecclesiastes (or fan of The Byrds) will tell you, there is a time for everything. (Prepare yourself for an incredible, seamless transition). And the time has now come for me to reveal why this is my favorite Swift album. It breaks down to three points. One, I actually really like TWO songs on this album as opposed to one (or zero). Two, I do not have any strong opinions against any of the songs on this album. And three, “Champagne Problems”! This song just blew me away the first time I heard it. It was a Taylor Swift song AND I ACTUALLY LOVED IT?!?!? I knew right away that this was going to be my favorite album. The contest was over from this point forward. It is not very often you find a song that is immediately one of your favorites, and when you do all you feel is happiness. 

There you have it. The official Statesman ranking of every Taylor Swift album. If you do not agree with my opinion, then you are just not smart enough to understand it.