In 2018, Statesman Editor Slater Dixon published an article called “Whatever… let’s rank the sports.” It has been over four years since that article was published, and it seems outdated. I figured “whatever…let’s re-rank the sports.”
- Competitive Cheer and Dance: I know they win Spirit of Six awards and all, but until they win an actual State competition, they will always be #15.
- Golf: I do not want to hate the golf team. I am sure there is a lot of effort that goes into the sport. The only problem is my only real experience with golf is “The Legend of Bagger Vance” which was not a very good movie.
- Soccer: I have been to many soccer games, and I have come to one conclusion; they are extremely boring. And their penalties are kinda weird. Good thing I never wasted any time learning the rules.
- Cross Country: There is a lot of running involved, kinda like a Tom Cruise movie. Personally, I am not a fan of Tom Cruise.
- Baseball: While entertaining, baseball is unable to distinguish itself from golf, as they are both just a bunch of guys hitting a small white ball with a stick.
- Volleyball: Women, amiright? Until men are allowed to dominate this game, it is not moving up.
- Track: Managed to improve on Cross Country’s running concept by adding “running with small stick,” “running with pole,” “running then jumping,” (none of which are staples of Tom Cruise movies) and the classic “spinning and throwing” adds some variety to the mix. What cements it in the #9 spot is these meets can take two to three days. I do not have that kind of time.
- Gymnastics: I would put this much higher, but my heart is filled with eternal jealousy over the fact that I will never be able to do a back flip.
- Bowling: I (much like everybody else) honestly do not know anything about the bowling team. However, I am willing to give them the benefit of the doubt and put them in the middle.
- Football: Maybe I am just playing off stereotypes that are not fully true, but I feel like all girls go for football guys. Do those fools not know that cross country runners possess the ideal male body?
- Softball: The ball is YELLOW! No other sport has a yellow ball. Softball is obviously ahead of its time, and this puts it very high on the list.
- Basketball: Basketball is known for many things: The nonstop action, the classic buzzer beater, the 14 total timeouts called in the last minute of play. It gets its spot on the list mainly because I have very fond memories of Wii sports resort basketball.
- Tennis: You can say I am overhyping this, but while you were sitting on your couch like the lazy bum you are, or losing State competitions, they were adding to their collection of rings. I heard they hand them out for Halloween since they have so many.
- Wrestling: Two sweaty people pounding each other into a mat! Now that is my kind of entertainment.
1. Marching Band: Marching band has a kind of unfair advantage, as they stimulate two of the five senses, rather than one. But as the team has met so much success in competition, it is only natural that they would be ranked #1. This is the one and only time I will ever compliment a “band kid.”
