Meet the Staff

Potty Problems

Mason Dean, Staff Writer

December 2, 2024

Artwork by Mason Dean

Potty Problems

Artwork by Mason Dean

Overall Results

During the career of any male LHS student, one encounters the dangerous choice that lies in the men’s bathroom by the school store: which urinal to take when the far left one is occupied. This question is one that has plagued the greatest philosophical minds at LHS for generations, but now, new research has provided us with greater insight into this problem than ever before.
I recently conducted a study of 36 LHS students and staff (and a Norwegian dude) showing surprising results: 47.2% of students chose urinal four. This is a bold choice for many reasons, as it stops anyone else from using the urinals without getting scandalously close to one of their bathroom buddies, while at the same time exclaiming to the world that one is too prideful and toxic to use urinal five, yet too shy and weak to use urinal three and sacrifice a bit of privacy. Many users of four argue that it is a necessity.
“I’m too tall for the small one,” said senior Brady Cartledge.
The simple truth, however, is that the marksmanship required for a taller person to use a small urinal is trivial and height is an inadequate excuse for using urinal four.

Artwork by Mason Dean

Freshmen Results

This is why freshmen can’t have nice things.

Artwork by Mason Dean

Sophomore Results

When I began this study, I knew that the sophomores would choose urinal four the most, but even I did not think that it would be so popular as a 70% majority. The sophomores are truly the most hateful and insecure people at LHS.

Artwork by Mason Dean

Junior Results

I was hoping my own class would be a shining example of bathroom etiquette, but sadly the junior class is yet another urinal four majority. However, we do have the most urinal two users, reflecting on our desire to start a potty posse.

Senior Results

The senior class chose urinal three more than anyone else.

THE GLOBAL OPINION
What is the opinion of other countries on this question? A Norwegian named Sigurd provided his insight and chose urinal five.
“I don’t want him peeping at me!” said Sigurd.
This shows that European culture is in fact more advanced than LHS culture and displays greater consideration and respect for others. It is also worth mentioning that Sigurd is a tall Norwegian man of over six feet, further reinforcing the fact that tall people are PERFECTLY capable of using a shorter urinal.

CONCLUSION
We have been on a journey through the psyche of LHS. From the facetious freshmen to the Fjords of Norway, the truth of which urinal is the correct choice, once shrouded in mystery, is now answered: it is urinal two. No other urinal offers the same opportunity for social interaction and bonding. So, remember for next time you need to go, each time you defecate is a chance to make a new mate!

About the Contributor

Mason Dean, Staff Writer

Mason Dean is a junior and first-year writer for the Statesman. When he is not cooking up in Ranked, Dean can be found dominating a number of different LHS activities. Whether he is dropping fives with Jaws or breaking an offensive-lineman’s ankles, Mason strives to achieve absolute perfection whilst maintaining a humble nature. As an avid member of the student council and outspoken advocate for the formation of a Fortnite club, Dean is always ready for a new adventure.

Lincoln High School Statesman

Lincoln High School Statesman

Lincoln High School Statesman

Potty Problems

Lincoln High School Statesman

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