Smarter Balanced determines senior status

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Emma Johnson

Preparing for Smarter Balance testing pushes juniors over the edge, especially those who don’t study.

Emma Johnson, Staff Writer

Year after year, juniors fear the dreaded days of Smarter Balanced testing. For two hours each morning, students are expected to come to school and partake in rigorous testing over English, writing, math and science. Pushing students to the brink, the students never know what becomes of their test scores. Undeterminable through Infinite Campus, the test scores are sent to the Board of Smart Seniors (BOSS) to determine their worth.

Standardized tests are distributed to see where students rank among their classes, analyzing to see if students are able to maintain life skills. The most important topics include knowing that the mitochondria are the powerhouse of the cell and finding the area of a heptagram using dental floss and a can of AXE body spray. Patrice Walters, CEO of BOSS and office manager of South Dakota’s Smarter Balanced Asset Branch, explained why Smarter Balanced is so essential for juniors to take.

“The Smarter Balanced Assessment includes Common Core standards that BOSS introduced into the system around eight years ago. Common Core skills provide common sense. If juniors cannot prove themselves worthy, it sets them back academically, emotionally and physically,” said Walters. “These are life skills that they will use their entire lives.”

The test results are then sent off to local pediatricians in the area, along with a sample of DNA from junior’s recent physicals. They look for the genetic code, DUI (Dominant Understood Intelligence); if juniors show the trait in their bloodstream, they qualify to enter their senior year.

“These results ensure students can enter adulthood knowing that puberty contributed to their cognitive development well. The unfortunate children who do not pass need to learn that technology outside of working on a Chromebook all day sucks the life out of them,” said Walters. “We only want the best from Gen-Z.”

Juniors develop apprehensive tendencies right before the testing days. The three days of testing and the different test on the following Wednesday outraged LHS junior Dafydd Jennings.

“I haven’t slept in three days, thriving only off of Bangster Berry drinks and Crunch Wrap Supremes,” said Jennings. “Three days is enough for testing. The additional test on Wednesday is the bane of my existence.”

Due to the COVID-19 pandemic, seniors were quarantined and unable to take the test. However, upon looking at their physical results, pediatricians were astonished that all seniors carried the trait. LHS senior Ehyrnne Dwyer is thrilled that she never had to take the test.

“I was stunned to find out that I carried the trait. My 25-year-old brother had to retake the test and his junior year three times, so now my family is aware who runs the house,” said Dwyer. “My brother quivers in fear when he senses my presence.”

Although it is a normal part of life for juniors, the test is crucial for making sure that the world is stable and secure in the hands of future generations. Intelligence feeds the creativity and ideas that make the globe rotate.

“I want to pass the test so I can erase disappointment from my middle name,” said Jennings. “The inner senior dominance lion is just waiting to roar.”