One of the most well known conspiracy theories is that there is more to the assassination of John F. Kennedy than the government would like to believe, and for good reason. The majority of these theories center around the idea that Lee Harvey Oswald wasn’t the true killer and was simply a pawn in a greater conspiracy. Depending on who you ask, this grand conspiracy was orchestrated by the mafia, the CIA, Fidel Castro or, interestingly, JFK’s vice president Lyndon B. Johnson.

The heart of these theories stem from many of the details of the assassination not really adding up. For example, the United States House Select Committee on Assassinations (HSCA) concluded that Oswald did not act alone, given that they concluded that four shots were fired, likely by two different gunmen. These suspicions on the true motives of Oswald were further compounded by Oswald too being fatally shot while in custody by Jack Ruby. This was enough for much of the public to be convinced of a widespread government conspiracy, with Cuba becoming the center of most of them.

Throughout Kennedy’s presidency, the CIA made several attempts to take the life of Cuban leader Fidel Castro. One way they tried to execute this plan was by pairing up with the mafia. One theory posits that the mafia was in no way in favor of helping the Kennedy administration and John F Kennedy’s brother Robert F Kennedy’s aggressive attempts at ending organized crime. The way this would translate to killing JFK instead of his brother is a bit sketchy, as the attorney general would undoubtedly be an easier target than the president. Another theory suggests that anti-communists and Castro influences inside the CIA were responsible for the assassination, fearing that Kennedy’s progressive policies brought the country closer to communism. The final popular theory places Johnson as the main conspirator. The evidence behind this theory is undoubtedly quite shaky. The supposed motive for this crime is posited to be Johnson’s extreme desire to claim the presidency, and the only real evidence is a statement from former CIA agent Everette Howard Hunt Jr. This statement comes from an early draft of Hunt’s memoir, “American Spy: My Secret History in the CIA, Watergate and Beyond.” Though the exact quote is unknown, William F Bukley Jr.., who was asked to write the introduction, stated that the book contained material that “suggested transgressions of the highest order, including a hint that LBJ might have had a hand in the plot to assassinate President Kennedy.”

So, what do we make of this? Well, in reality none of these theories are true, but neither is the official narrative. Here’s what really happened. 

It all started on Oct. 22, 1967, my birthday. My birth was less than normal. For starters, it led to the death of both my parents. You see, I have a rare condition by the name of teenitus, which causes me to always appear to be 17 years old. As my mom progressed through pregnancy, I kept growing until I finally burst through her body. My father was naturally frightened by this whole affair, and tragically died at my hands while trying to avenge his dead wife. I walked away from the whole debacle relatively unharmed, but it left me with deep psychological scars, centered around a fear of my dead father. The image of my dad haunted me day and night. Every unaccounted for sound turned into my dad stalking me, just out of sight; every sickness was a poisoning attempt. So, imagine my dismay when I saw his image on the TV, with a headline announcing him as the 35th president. You see, what I have neglected to mention is that I am a Kennedy. My father, Joel E Kennedy, was the long lost twin of the Kennedy family, written out of the official narrative constructed by the neoliberal reptilians who control the news. So, there was only one thing I could do to finally rest easy. I didn’t want to do it. It’s nothing personal. But it was me who killed JFK. It was me who framed Lee Harvey Oswald. It was me who did everything, and if you say anything, it’ll be you who is next.