Lincoln High School Statesman

Modern Art

Modern Art

Kat Steffen, Staff Writer

March 7, 2019


Filed under Satire

Art comes in many forms: dance, sculptures, plays, paintings, poetry, writing, sketches, sandwich crafting and graffiti. Graffiti is a form of art that anyone can take part of. People of all walks of life can simply share their poetry on bathroom stalls or their doodles on train cars. In most places,...

Dear winter,

Dear winter,

Caleb Miller, Staff Writer

March 4, 2019


Filed under Satire

Dear winter, It was great to see you for the first six minutes of October. Since then, I’d rather you’d take your blizzard advisories and shove them back where they came from (I assume that’s Canada or something). You must be very proud of yourself, surprising all those nordic kids wit...

The untold dangers of dihydrogen monoxide

The untold dangers of dihydrogen monoxide

Sophia Boyt, Staff Writer

February 8, 2019


Filed under Satire

     Our planet is killing us slowly.      Dihydrogen monoxide is one of the most widely influential substances on the planet. According to USGS, about 71 percent of the surface of the Earth is covered in dihydrogen monoxide. People use the tasteless, colorless liquid for most of their daily hygie...

Shave me from the liberals

Shave me from the liberals

Lauren Teller, Staff Writer

January 24, 2019


Filed under Satire

“Gillette: the best a man can be.” The commercial ends and the screen once again shows Sunday football. But something feels off. Hmmm… am I too straight, white and male to continue using my trusty Gillette razor? Strolling through the aisles of my local supermarket, I come across a glimmering...

Slader controversy brings grief, heartbreak

Slader controversy brings grief, heartbreak

Slater Dixon, Staff Writer

January 7, 2019


Filed under Satire

As school authorities sift through the heartbreaking wreckage, one thing is for sure: This is a tragedy that will never be forgotten. There is still a great deal of uncertainty surrounding the controversy, and a statement by Slader.com released this morning seems to only lead to more questions. “We are deeply grieved ...

The SFSD considers a new grading system

The SFSD considers a new grading system

Slater Dixon, Staff Writer

December 10, 2018


Filed under Satire

In the midst of renewed efforts to boost grades across the district, administrators are pointing to the grading system as an area that could use some work. The biggest idea: Replace the percentage based grading system with one that gives scores based off of where you would be if you were playing a game o...

LHS junior disappointed by misleading Snapchat Story

LHS junior disappointed by misleading Snapchat Story

Slater Dixon, Staff Writer

December 3, 2018


Filed under Satire

LHS junior Blake Matthews was severely disappointed on Friday night after viewing what he thought was going to be a wild ride of a Snapchat Story. Matthews was reportedly lying in bed when the incident occurred. It was around 12:15 a.m. “I remember it specifically because it was right after I mad...

School security: Real or Hoax

School security: Real or Hoax

Ethan Kolb and Justin Schriever

October 18, 2018


Filed under Entertainment, Satire

  https://youtu.be/IkqCcdkX1zs Here is the link for the video if the video shows as restricted: https://youtu.be/IkqCcdkX1zs

Whatever… let’s rank the sports

Whatever… let’s rank the sports

Slater Dixon, Manager of Business

September 28, 2018


Filed under Satire, Sports

Here at LHS, we pride ourselves on the variety of activities students can participate in. From band to football to four-square club, students of all interests can find something they enjoy doing. Among the extracurriculars offered at LHS, sports is one of the most popular. One might wonder though:...

Sound the alarm, the smokey conspiracy

Sound the alarm, the smokey conspiracy

Cameron Rhode, Business Manager

September 20, 2018


Filed under Satire

Picture this: you are trying to peacefully walk to your 6th period class when fire alarms suddenly start blaring to tell you to flee the burning school. Upon listening to the censored propaganda machine that is the afternoon announcements, one would think this event was caused by a faulty sprinkler system. Ho...

Dear Journal: Trumpy had fun

Dear Journal: Trumpy had fun

Yairis Alvarado, Staff Writer

September 12, 2018


Filed under Satire

Dear Journal, Hey, it’s Daddy Trump. I apologize for being gone for so long. Kellyanne took you after I left it in the golf cart when I went to go play golf with Kanye. Now I am back and ready to tell you about my trip to go help my favorite vassal. I flew in the big airplane, which, BTW, I...