Humorous Horoscopes


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One in four americans say they believe in astrology, according to a study done by YouGovAmerica.

Daniel Valentine, Staff Writer

While horoscopes are usually stupid generalizations and aggravatingly vague, some take them extremely seriously. Some people’s relationships depend entirely on horoscopes – romantic AND platonic. Admittedly, horoscopes are pretty silly and arbitrary. Being assigned a personality trait or a “reading” based on what month you were born in is a pretty ridiculous concept; why not make it more fun and lighthearted? With readings provided by, here is a better look at the December 2022 horoscope!  


Aries (March 21 – April 20): These fire signs are slated for some sweet deals this month and should stay on top of those holiday deals. These ambitious individuals are advised to keep a close eye on all financial happenings, but who wants to watch their money when holiday online shopping is so fun? Aries are advised to keep track of their temper and to watch their tongue, so be patient with your family and friends this December.


Taurus (April 20 – May 21): Taureans get your planners out because December is going to be an important month for organization. These earth signs are told to be wary of surprises, but some may be pleasant and mood-lifting! They should also keep an open mind while standing their ground during any disputes this month. Hopefully, all family dinners will go well for them.


Gemini (May 21 – June 21): Geminis are advised to avoid being gluttons this season, and not go overboard on anything and everything this holiday season. Eating, spending and other activities could be dangerous this month. Hopefully, these air signs will be able to restrain themselves at family feasts, but maybe candy will be a problem. Geminis are also told to be open to compromise this season, so hopefully they get most of what was on their wishlist.  


Cancer (June 21 – July 23): Cancers should buy themselves a sword this December, as this month will be a battle (emotionally, the sword is just cool). These water signs are expected to feel isolated and very emotionally drained this month, and told to remind themselves of their accomplishments. They are also advised to be wary of their health and to not ignore any symptoms. Careful, Cancers – do not catch a cold (or COVID)!


Leo (July 23 – Aug. 23): Leos should get plane tickets this month, as they are told they may go on a short trip and may be able to explore their surroundings in a way they have not been able to previously. These fire signs are also slated to have a fat paycheck and financial security. Also, they are told to remember that some people are not as strong as they are and to be patient with others. 


Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sep. 23): Virgos are told to sit back and appreciate everything they have accomplished this year, while keeping an eye out for new opportunities to come. This holiday season is vaguely hinted to be better than the last, whatever that may mean to you. These earth signs are also told that they may be a mediator this month, if the need arises. Hopefully, you are not caught between any heated arguments between Aries and Taureans. 


Libra (Sep. 23 – Oct. 22): Libras are expected to have some unexpected guests this December, much to their dismay. The only way these air signs can avoid this is to go on a trip and make it well known. Perhaps they might go on a date with the Leos on a holiday getaway. Libras are also told to detach themselves emotionally as much as possible. A trip would do this splendidly, and the Bahamas has great weather this time of year!


Scorpio (Oct. 22 – Nov. 21): Scorpios are told to take risks and to not dwell on the past. While it may take some time to find solid footing, going out to explore will be good for personal growth. These water signs are told to channel their inner chameleons this month as they need to be flexible to change. A change of scenery every once in a while is not so bad, but having a home base to return to is good as well. So take a hike, Scorpios!


Sagittarius (Nov. 21 – Dec. 21): It is Sagittarius season! But that is not always a good omen for these fire signs. Right now, they may feel cluttered and that they are chewing a bigger bite than they can take. So, it is time to declutter and start giving unnecessary items up. Clean out the closet! Shred that important paperwork! Surely nothing can go wrong. Paper shreds make a good cushion for any packages that might be sent this holiday season. 


Capricorn (Dec. 21 – Jan. 19): Apparently these earth signs need to lighten up. Their reading this month is to get out of the routines of the mundane and to stop to smell the roses. They have been doing too much of the “traveling” part of the journey, and not enough of the “enjoyment.” Why travel but not have fun? Become a procrastinator and put everything off. Why not?


Aquarius (Jan. 19 – Feb 19): These air signs are told to go into autopilot this month and to let your mind take corrective control. Everything that needs to be done will fall in place, given the time. Relax and go with the flow, impatience is holding you back. Do not be afraid to simply stroll through life rather than the Total Wipeout crash course that is currently in motion. Life wants to give what is deserved, but one must be willing to lay back and accept whatever it is. 


Pisces (Feb 19. – March 21): December is a time for self-care for these water signs, as they need to go on a journey for self-love. Take in the world and appreciate the little details and miracles in life. A dream journal is suggested and may help motivate them during this time. Their environment is as it should be, and may be a little quiet. But that’s okay. Rediscover yourself, and write from your heart. Have fun, and good luck Pisces!