Cult following of Jaws

Henry Haft

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Carly Wheeler

LHS renowned chemistry teacher James Jarovski who is know as “Jaws” by his fellow staff members, students, and cult members.

Whether you are a senior, a freshman just stepping into LHS or a middle schooler, I’m pretty sure you are well acquainted with the LHS chemistry teacher James Jarovski (Jaws) and his cult-like following. Some of you may be wondering, how do I join The Cult of Jaws? Well, it’s not very easy. There are actually a series of trials that one must complete in order to join. I have done in-depth research in order to bring you all the facts about joining The Cult of Jaws.

The first trial is joining one of his AP chemistry classes. If you are only in Accelerated Chemistry, I’m sorry but you will not be allowed entrance into The Cult. Jaws only wants the most highly intelligent students/followers in his order. Joining one of his classes is one of the easier parts of the trial; the levels simply get more and more difficult until he determines which students are worthy of The Cult. Step two is also not very difficult, but it is a test of perseverance and loyalty for his young apprentices. They must tutor his young and future members that are currently only in Accelerated Chemistry, but one day will possibly take AP. The truth is, these Accelerated Chemistry students are already at a disadvantage. Like I said before, to be a part of The Cult you must be the highest level of intelligence, and those who are the highest level of intelligence don’t need extra help from older students. Jaws makes note of the students who need extra help and remembers it for the future if they ever try to join his order.

Step three in joining his cult is when it starts to get more difficult. If you are truly worthy of The Cult, this part won’t be as strenuous for you as it would be for other students. The young apprentices must achieve at least 90% in the class. In the past, it would have been 92.5%, but Jaws actually changed the whole grading scale in order to bring in more members. It’s true, but anyways, let’s move on to the next step in joining his cult. You must make something special for him, whether it be making a whole periodic table of elements where every element is a cutout of his face or making t-shirts with his face on it. He enjoys seeing his own face everywhere, so making him happy by showing him his own face is a sure-fire way to get initiated into The Cult immediately. 

There are two more steps to joining his cult and these ones are by far the most difficult. Step six is arguably the most difficult: The Mole Day party. For those of you who aren’t renowned chemists or a high school chemistry teacher, you will have no idea this holiday even exists. A mole is a unit of measurement in chemistry which is 6.022*10^23 units. Mole Day was derived from this value, and it is Oct. 23 from 6:02 a.m. to 6:02 p.m.. The students from every class period host a “Mole Day party” for Jaws, where they go to extreme lengths from playing corn hole to importing donuts from other states. The chemistry students that host the best Mole Day party are given “extra credit”. We all know what that really means – their chances of joining The Cult of Jaws just skyrocketed. 

For those students that didn’t win  Mole Day, tough luck, you’re a loser. But there is one more way that the students who didn’t come out victorious on  Mole Day can still be initiated: the end of the year AP test. If you perform well on that test, you will be taken into consideration for The Cult. This is the end of the line for all other students who weren’t his favorites, didn’t win the Mole Day party, and didn’t perform well on the AP test. These students will never again step foot in his room. 

On the other hand, we have the students that were accepted. These students will most likely peer tutor in Jaws’s room during the following years of their sentence at LHS, and will help Jaws determine which young students will one day be a part of the order. This process is eternal and will forever be a part of the culture and heritage here at our school. It is rumored that they have cult gatherings in the basement of LHS, and if you listen faintly you can hear the followers chanting stoichiometry problems.