How to succeed in journalism without really trying


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“There comes a time in any mans life when he has to write a story in ten minutes and upload it as his semester project.”

Fisher Meyerink, Staff writer

Has this ever happened to you? You find out that the semester test project for your Statesman class is an online story, but you figure that it is not necessary to check when your supposed to upload, and now you are stuck trying to write, edit and publish a story in just one day? If so, you’re probably now desperately trying to think of a way to produce a passable story, preferably one that it is impossible to have any positive or negative reaction towards. If you ever find yourself in this totally random situation that I certainly am not living through at the moment, here is how it is done:


Option 1: Lie

Just lie! Make up a personal emergency that needs your attention, and that no semi-moral person would possibly ask you to prioritize less than writing your story. For example: “Hey, I don’t think I’ll be able to submit my story today because my mom’s sister needs me to write a job application for her because she has been temporarily blinded because of the toxins present in the Komodo dragon’s saliva that she tried to tame.”


Option 2: Cheat.

If lying isn’t your forte, let me recommend option 2: Cheat, or more specifically, plagiarize. Now I know what your thinking. “You can’t plagiarize, that’s immoral. Not to mention the built-in tools that can easily detect plagiarized work.” Well, dear reader, now is not a time for morality, and as for the anti-plagiarism tools, they are easily exploitable. Just use a website like SEO Magnifier, plug in whatever beautiful piece of writing you plan to replicate, and boom, you have a perfectly adequate, if not a bit choppy article to submit.


Option 3: Steal

If both of these options seem a bit extreme, I recommend simply lurking and sitting around your fellow writers and snatching an idea right before they’re able to write it. If you see someone leave their computer open, simply share their story with yourself, make yourself the owner, and kick them off the document. You’ll have a fully written story just like that!


If you use any of these three simple options, you are sure to succeed in the prestigious world of journalism, no matter how unprepared, unfit or inadequate you are. Now go and make the world of journalism even more filled with meaningless garbage and uninfluential filler than it already is. After all, if journalism is about anything, it’s further concealing the truth.