What your sleep position says about you (satire)


Artwork by Zoe Larson

People love sleep; for most teens this is something they look forward to.

Natalie Nolan, Staff Writer

People love sleep; for most teens this is something they look forward to. Sleep is a safe space for many, and it gives people a chance to escape reality and refresh for the next day. With all of the stress that is in a person’s daily life, they can’t pass up a chance at a mental break. According to Weill Cornell Medicine, sleep is beneficial because it helps with brain, mental and emotional development, and school performance. Furthermore, sleep benefits your attention span and memory. Aside from the benefits, some sleeping positions people choose are simply odd. These are some things your sleep position says about who you are:


The plank: If someone sleeps like this they are probably scared of bugs and hate school. They also really hate drinking water because they consider it a waste of time, and they may also not be able to hold a plank for long periods of time. 


The fetal position: People who sleep like this are most likely scared of the dark and hate horror movies. They also cry a lot, which isn’t necessarily bad, they just do, which is most likely caused by trauma. School is overwhelming for them, but at the same time, they appreciate the routine it comes with, minus the early morning wake-up.


Soldier: One of the scariest, if people sleep like this they are the kid who often dissociates in the back of the class, and they wear black Nike Air Forces. They also find horror movies more funny than scary, they also bring their friends to haunted houses just to laugh at them while they are scared.


StarFish: If someone sleeps like this they don’t have very many friends but they don’t let it bother them. They spend their time at the thirst store looking for all the random and funny clothes they can find. These people also find comfort in kids’ shows, but who doesn’t?


Pillow between the legs: People like this are very single and they long for a significant other, but at the same time commitment scares them. Most of the time these people have a collection of Colleen Hoover books because it is the only book series they like.


Flamingo: Can these people drive? Probably not. These people never seem to be in the same place at one time, they are also a little unreliable when it comes to timing. They are always either very early or a few hours late.