Lincoln High School Statesman

Mail truck dreams

Mail truck dreams

Katie Osmundson, Staff Writer

May 16, 2018


Filed under Satire

I want to get hit by a mail truck. Strange? Yes. Smart? Yes. Dangerous? Probably. Here is the thing: I will be a senior next year, and that is crazy because it means that I am going to have to go to college. What is even more scary is that I am going to have to pay for college. One night I sat do...

Aftermath: life after AP tests

Aftermath: life after AP tests

Timothy Stolp, Staff Writer

May 16, 2018


Filed under Satire

One by one, the dreaded AP tests have been taken by the cohort of students that exemplify the standard of excellence at LHS. Unfortunately for them, the worst is yet to come. For those who have not enrolled in an AP class, we who have offer this warning: The test is only the beginning of an AP stude...

I miss the snow

I miss the snow

Katie Osmundson, Staff Writer

May 4, 2018


Filed under Satire

To be honest, waking up to sunny 60 degree temperatures this weekend was very upsetting. Has Mother Nature ever heard of consistency? Just as I was getting used to the all the wonderful things that winter has to offer, she went and made the weather normal, taking all of the joy out of my life. I mi...

How to survive the last month of school

How to survive the last month of school

Chloe Crissman, Staff Writer

May 4, 2018


Filed under Satire

Climbing Mount Everest without an oxygen tank. Not crying to Post Malone’s new album. These two things are synonymous with the word impossible. As is being able to finish out the school year. The weather is beginning to warm and the birds are beginning to sing their songs. All of the fall coupl...

Anime body pillows revealed to offer hidden benefits

Anime body pillows revealed to offer hidden benefits

Will Howes, Staff Writer

April 24, 2018


Filed under Satire

Imagine a strapping young lad named Jake. Jake has big muscles and a handsome face but he gets very nervous around women. What can Jake do? The answer is simple; Jakes needs to get himself an anime body pillow. By getting a body pillow of his own, Jake will be able to practice being around and talking...

Who is Mark Zuckerberg?

Who is Mark Zuckerberg?

Jenna Becker, Staff Writer

April 18, 2018


Filed under Satire

Mark Zuckerberg and his major social media have been the topic of much controversy in recent weeks. Facebook, once used as a platform to stalk distant acquaintances, was found to be selling user’s personal data. This lead some to wonder: how could any human do this? The answer is simple, Zuckerber...

Statesman dog rates

Statesman dog rates

Jack Fehrs, Feature Editor

February 17, 2018


Filed under Entertainment, Satire

   

How to survive the fast and furious February

How to survive the fast and furious February

Timothy Stolp, Staff Writer

February 5, 2018


Filed under Satire

Oftentimes in February, I find myself wishing it would get over faster than it does. Even though it is the shortest month of the year, February still seems to drag on forever. This year, we catapulted into the bitter month with the rare Super Blue Blood Moon (which was red, just saying). Celestial...

Minneapolis Miracle: Another existential crisis story

Minneapolis Miracle: Another existential crisis story

Timothy Stolp, Staff Writer

January 18, 2018


Filed under Satire

Millions turned on their TV this weekend to see Stefon Diggs making the now infamous play dubbed the “Minneapolis Miracle.” I was not one of the millions, but I most certainly felt its miraculous effect in a less-than-miraculous way: self-doubt. The future is terrifying. High school has no shortage of moments...

How to give back through your school this holiday season

How to give back through your school this holiday season

Abbie Griffin, Entertainment Editor

December 20, 2017


Filed under Editorials, Satire

During the holiday season, most people think about giving back but don’t know how to. Some might not know how and where they can get involved. Here are seven ways you can get involved through LHS throughout the holiday season. Participate in the SALSA club at your school. Through SALSA, you l...

The final draft of “Rough Draft” out now

The final draft of “Rough Draft” out now

Abbie Griffin, Entertainment Editor

December 14, 2017


Filed under Features, Satire

Over the past few years, artists from around the greater Sioux Falls area have been making and producing music for their fellow peers. From Apple music to soundcloud, songs have been posted and listened to by thousands of followers. Even with all this fame, some still find the time to go to school a...