Lincoln High School Statesman

SALSA: to serve or to eat?

March 22, 2019


Filed under Features, Satire

Salsa is not that great

Salsa is not that great

Elizabeth Boysen, Staff Writer

March 22, 2019


Filed under Satire

Salsa is a staple of most parties and is often served alongside guacamole and chips. There is an inferior in that duo, and it is not made out of the ever popular avocado. Unpopular opinion: Salsa is really just ok. If I had the choice between salsa and guac, you better believe the avocado would be...

An ignored plight

An ignored plight

Slater Dixon, Perspectives editor

March 19, 2019


Filed under Satire

Our generation is one of rebellion. We see the world not as it has always been, but as what we will change it into. The world of tomorrow is a place where identity is celebrated, where our differences are celebrated. However, in the world of today, I have no choice but to squash my identity into soci...

Modern Art

Modern Art

Kat Steffen, Staff Writer

March 7, 2019


Filed under Satire

Art comes in many forms: dance, sculptures, plays, paintings, poetry, writing, sketches, sandwich crafting and graffiti. Graffiti is a form of art that anyone can take part of. People of all walks of life can simply share their poetry on bathroom stalls or their doodles on train cars. In most places,...

Dear winter,

Dear winter,

Caleb Miller, Staff Writer

March 4, 2019


Filed under Satire

Dear winter, It was great to see you for the first six minutes of October. Since then, I’d rather you’d take your blizzard advisories and shove them back where they came from (I assume that’s Canada or something). You must be very proud of yourself, surprising all those nordic kids wit...

How to survive Valentine’s Day alone, yet again

How to survive Valentine’s Day alone, yet again

Kat Steffen, Staff Writer

February 14, 2019


Filed under Satire

It is that time of the year again- when love is in the air and heart-shaped chocolate boxes line the aisles at Walgreens, but you are still on the hunt for your Prince (or princess) Charming. Here are nine tips for how to prepare for this next single season: Make up a significant other. They c...

The worst thing about America

The worst thing about America

Elizabeth Boysen, Staff Writer

February 14, 2019


Filed under Perspectives, Satire

Disclaimer: Some reading the title may think this article is controversial and politically charged. While possibly controversial, it is in no way political. The worst aspect of America is not our government or the impending threat of nuclear war (sorry for that dismal note). No. It is something far w...

Drinking the Kool-Aid: one man’s pursuit to refresh LHS

Drinking the Kool-Aid: one man’s pursuit to refresh LHS

Caleb Miller, Staff Writer

February 13, 2019


Filed under Satire

These past two weeks have been full of students doing everything they can to win the LHS vote, and that means standing up to issues all across the spectrum. One large point in particular that has been brought up is the E-Wing water fountains and making them better and tastier for everyone. But o...

The untold dangers of dihydrogen monoxide

The untold dangers of dihydrogen monoxide

Sophia Boyt, Staff Writer

February 8, 2019


Filed under Satire

     Our planet is killing us slowly.      Dihydrogen monoxide is one of the most widely influential substances on the planet. According to USGS, about 71 percent of the surface of the Earth is covered in dihydrogen monoxide. People use the tasteless, colorless liquid for most of their daily hygie...

Shave me from the liberals

Shave me from the liberals

Lauren Teller, Staff Writer

January 24, 2019


Filed under Satire

“Gillette: the best a man can be.” The commercial ends and the screen once again shows Sunday football. But something feels off. Hmmm… am I too straight, white and male to continue using my trusty Gillette razor? Strolling through the aisles of my local supermarket, I come across a glimmering...

Slader controversy brings grief, heartbreak

Slader controversy brings grief, heartbreak

Slater Dixon, Staff Writer

January 7, 2019


Filed under Satire

As school authorities sift through the heartbreaking wreckage, one thing is for sure: This is a tragedy that will never be forgotten. There is still a great deal of uncertainty surrounding the controversy, and a statement by Slader.com released this morning seems to only lead to more questions. “We are deeply grieved ...

The bloody referendum, a satire

The bloody referendum, a satire

Gage Gramlick, Editor-in-chief

December 12, 2018


Filed under Satire

Every four years, I am obligated to unmuzzle my dog. It is part of the deal. I must say, it is quite a pain in the neck, but it is what it is. I’ve found, in my countless years as a career dog master, that momentary benevolence helps to ease the process- a treat to fill her mouth rather than words. ...