Lincoln High School Statesman

Slader controversy brings grief, heartbreak

Slader controversy brings grief, heartbreak

Slater Dixon, Staff Writer

January 7, 2019


Filed under Satire

As school authorities sift through the heartbreaking wreckage, one thing is for sure: This is a tragedy that will never be forgotten. There is still a great deal of uncertainty surrounding the controversy, and a statement by Slader.com released this morning seems to only lead to more questions. “We are deeply grieved ...

The bloody referendum, a satire

The bloody referendum, a satire

Gage Gramlick, Editor-in-chief

December 12, 2018


Filed under Satire

Every four years, I am obligated to unmuzzle my dog. It is part of the deal. I must say, it is quite a pain in the neck, but it is what it is. I’ve found, in my countless years as a career dog master, that momentary benevolence helps to ease the process- a treat to fill her mouth rather than words. ...

The SFSD considers a new grading system

The SFSD considers a new grading system

Slater Dixon, Staff Writer

December 10, 2018


Filed under Satire

In the midst of renewed efforts to boost grades across the district, administrators are pointing to the grading system as an area that could use some work. The biggest idea: Replace the percentage based grading system with one that gives scores based off of where you would be if you were playing a game o...

LHS junior disappointed by misleading Snapchat Story

LHS junior disappointed by misleading Snapchat Story

Slater Dixon, Staff Writer

December 3, 2018


Filed under Satire

LHS junior Blake Matthews was severely disappointed on Friday night after viewing what he thought was going to be a wild ride of a Snapchat Story. Matthews was reportedly lying in bed when the incident occurred. It was around 12:15 a.m. “I remember it specifically because it was right after I mad...

School security: Real or Hoax

School security: Real or Hoax

Ethan Kolb and Justin Schriever

October 18, 2018


Filed under Entertainment, Satire

  https://youtu.be/IkqCcdkX1zs Here is the link for the video if the video shows as restricted: https://youtu.be/IkqCcdkX1zs

Whatever… let’s rank the sports

Whatever… let’s rank the sports

Slater Dixon, Manager of Business

September 28, 2018


Filed under Satire, Sports

Here at LHS, we pride ourselves on the variety of activities students can participate in. From band to football to four-square club, students of all interests can find something they enjoy doing. Among the extracurriculars offered at LHS, sports is one of the most popular. One might wonder though:...

Weekly horoscopes

Weekly horoscopes

Charlie Turner, Staff Writer

September 27, 2018


Filed under Satire

Astrology may not be accurate all the time, but when I spoke to the stars directly, they told me, “The stars? Wait, you were talking to me? Uhhh,” and “Can you get out of this Home Depot? We don’t know who you are.” Here is your week, according to the real life questions I had answered by the stars.

Watch this: Weight Watchers pulls a Jonah Hill

Watch this: Weight Watchers pulls a Jonah Hill

Gage Gramlick, Editor-in-chief

September 26, 2018


Filed under Satire

Weight Watchers is shifting its narrative. In an attempt to be more body positive, the titan health company has decided to drop the weight from its name, electing to go by WW. “We think it’s time for a change,” said chief executive Mindy Grossman. “We don’t want to focus just on weight; ...

Sound the alarm, the smokey conspiracy

Sound the alarm, the smokey conspiracy

Cameron Rhode, Business Manager

September 20, 2018


Filed under Satire

Picture this: you are trying to peacefully walk to your 6th period class when fire alarms suddenly start blaring to tell you to flee the burning school. Upon listening to the censored propaganda machine that is the afternoon announcements, one would think this event was caused by a faulty sprinkler system. Ho...

Dear Journal: Trumpy had fun

Dear Journal: Trumpy had fun

Yairis Alvarado, Staff Writer

September 12, 2018


Filed under Satire

Dear Journal, Hey, it’s Daddy Trump. I apologize for being gone for so long. Kellyanne took you after I left it in the golf cart when I went to go play golf with Kanye. Now I am back and ready to tell you about my trip to go help my favorite vassal. I flew in the big airplane, which, BTW, I...

The hipster takeover: Soundset addition

The hipster takeover: Soundset addition

Hannah Hansen, Staff Writer

May 30, 2018


Filed under Satire

Hipster youth had another chance to bust out the flower crowns and crop tops at a semi-local music festival this past weekend. Soundset, an annual music festival held during the Memorial Day weekend in the Minneapolis-Saint Paul area, brought music lovers together - one man bun at a time. Are you wond...

May Issue of Statesman

May Issue of Statesman

May 29, 2018


Filed under Entertainment, Features, News, Opinion, Satire, Sports

The Statesman has created a May issue that will only be available online. Here is the link to view it: