Lincoln High School Statesman

School security: Real or Hoax

School security: Real or Hoax

Ethan Kolb and Justin Schriever

October 18, 2018


Filed under Entertainment, Satire

  https://youtu.be/IkqCcdkX1zs Here is the link for the video if the video shows as restricted: https://youtu.be/IkqCcdkX1zs

Whatever… let’s rank the sports

Whatever… let’s rank the sports

Slater Dixon, Manager of Business

September 28, 2018


Filed under Satire, Sports

Here at LHS, we pride ourselves on the variety of activities students can participate in. From band to football to four-square club, students of all interests can find something they enjoy doing. Among the extracurriculars offered at LHS, sports is one of the most popular. One might wonder though:...

Weekly horoscopes

Weekly horoscopes

Charlie Turner, Staff Writer

September 27, 2018


Filed under Satire

Astrology may not be accurate all the time, but when I spoke to the stars directly, they told me, “The stars? Wait, you were talking to me? Uhhh,” and “Can you get out of this Home Depot? We don’t know who you are.” Here is your week, according to the real life questions I had answered by the stars.

Watch this: Weight Watchers pulls a Jonah Hill

Watch this: Weight Watchers pulls a Jonah Hill

Gage Gramlick, Editor-in-chief

September 26, 2018


Filed under Satire

Weight Watchers is shifting its narrative. In an attempt to be more body positive, the titan health company has decided to drop the weight from its name, electing to go by WW. “We think it’s time for a change,” said chief executive Mindy Grossman. “We don’t want to focus just on weight; ...

Sound the alarm, the smokey conspiracy

Sound the alarm, the smokey conspiracy

Cameron Rhode, Business Manager

September 20, 2018


Filed under Satire

Picture this: you are trying to peacefully walk to your 6th period class when fire alarms suddenly start blaring to tell you to flee the burning school. Upon listening to the censored propaganda machine that is the afternoon announcements, one would think this event was caused by a faulty sprinkler system. Ho...

Dear Journal: Trumpy had fun

Dear Journal: Trumpy had fun

Yairis Alvarado, Staff Writer

September 12, 2018


Filed under Satire

Dear Journal, Hey, it’s Daddy Trump. I apologize for being gone for so long. Kellyanne took you after I left it in the golf cart when I went to go play golf with Kanye. Now I am back and ready to tell you about my trip to go help my favorite vassal. I flew in the big airplane, which, BTW, I...

The hipster takeover: Soundset addition

The hipster takeover: Soundset addition

Hannah Hansen, Staff Writer

May 30, 2018


Filed under Satire

Hipster youth had another chance to bust out the flower crowns and crop tops at a semi-local music festival this past weekend. Soundset, an annual music festival held during the Memorial Day weekend in the Minneapolis-Saint Paul area, brought music lovers together - one man bun at a time. Are you wond...

May Issue of Statesman

May Issue of Statesman

May 29, 2018


Filed under Editorials, Entertainment, Features, News, Satire, Sports

The Statesman has created a May issue that will only be available online. Here is the link to view it:            

Laughing at our overwhelming defeats: AP testing

Ellie Lamberty, Meet the Varsity

May 24, 2018


Filed under Features, Satire

The two weeks of AP testing just recently rolled around starting May 7 and ending May 18. Along with testing stress and tears, many memes followed suit. Some worked extremely hard in hopes of getting a five, while others strolled in at 7:30 a.m. or 11:30 a.m. and accepted their inevitable defeat. I ...

Ten tips for surviving the end of the school year

Ten tips for surviving the end of the school year

Brianna Geis, Journalism Student

May 24, 2018


Filed under Satire

The end of the school year is quickly approaching. It can be very stressful as summer approaches with finals and AP exams. Here are a few tips in order to wrap up the school year with some good scores: Stay up late to help release natural endorphins, which in turn will help you stay more focused dur...

The best things to do in the summer

The best things to do in the summer

Johana Brower, Journalism Student

May 24, 2018


Filed under Satire

Study, study and study: Studying is very important especially in the summer. It is a proven fact kids who do not study in the summertime get dumber and lose all their useful knowledge. Go to the library: If someone was to say “study”, they would need books on the subject matter and what better plac...

Why mental breakdowns are expensive

Why mental breakdowns are expensive

Ethan Kolb, Journalism Student

May 24, 2018


Filed under Satire

As teens go through high school, they are expected to study, have extracurricular activities, work and still preserve a social life, yet the cost of these standards is our mental health. This goes underlooked for the most part in modern society.   We follow trends that pop up, such as ‘Yanny vs Laurel.’ The...