Lincoln High School Statesman

Whatever… let’s rank the sports

It's about time someone did it

The+KELO+Cup+is+evidence+that+LHS+has+some+good+sport+teams.+But+how+do+they+stack+up+against+each+other%3F
The KELO Cup is evidence that LHS has some good sport teams. But how do they stack up against each other?

The KELO Cup is evidence that LHS has some good sport teams. But how do they stack up against each other?

Photo provided by the KELOLAND Media Group

Photo provided by the KELOLAND Media Group

The KELO Cup is evidence that LHS has some good sport teams. But how do they stack up against each other?

Slater Dixon, Manager of Business

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Here at LHS, we pride ourselves on the variety of activities students can participate in. From band to football to four-square club, students of all interests can find something they enjoy doing.

Among the extracurriculars offered at LHS, sports is one of the most popular. One might wonder though: which is the best one? This definitive list ranks all of the sports based on the amount of work required from students, enjoyability for spectators and overall coolness factor.

12. Cross Country

Photo provided by SF Lincoln XC twitter account
The LHS girls XC team runs. Yup, that’s all they do.

XC definitely gets points for the effort required from athletes. There is no doubt that XC runners “grind” when it comes to 6 a.m. practices or 11 mile long days. It is even harder when you factor in the new shirt requirements. Unfortunately for these lean ladies and lads, XC is boring as heck. Literally, all they do is run. And, if you want to watch them run, you have to run around the course. If you want to watch people run, go watch a sport like soccer or basketball where they do other stuff too.

11. Soccer

Photo provided by Madison Landon
Some girls play soccer. Please note that this picture would be way more interesting if changes were made to the game.

Soccer (or football as people without freedom call it) is a great physical activity. Not only is it good for your body, but it is also great for your mind. Playing soccer also helps clear up skin and is useful for promoting positive dialogue between different socioeconomic groups. Soccer is certainly a sport that should not be overlooked. However, soccer would be way more interesting if they had two games going on at the same time perpendicular to each other. Until this is added to the game, it will remain number 11.

10. Track

Photo provided by Evan Hieber
A track athlete does the “high jump”

Track is famous as the sport people in other sports do during the spring. Anyone who has taken chemistry from Jaws knows just how important this sport is to our school and to the LHS tradition. Although XC frequently gets lumped in with track, they are very different. Firstly, track is in one place so you can just sit in the bleachers and watch people run. Secondly, track has a variety of events including the run-and-hop and the one where they run with the metal tube. Track is a very honorable sport, but at the end of the day, it is still people running. Nevertheless, it deserves its tenth-place spot.

9. Basketball

Photo by Baylie Embry
Basketball boys do basketball

Basketball is the sport of choice for many young ballers at LHS. There certainly is not anything like lacing up a fresh pair of J’s, trying out getting rejected and playing Hi-Y. If you do make the team, however, you will be introduced into one of the tightest-knit families in the school. Overall, basketball is pretty cool.

8. Volleyball

Photo by Baylie Embry
The volleyball team nets some victories

As the sport of choice for Juice Stop customers everywhere, volleyball is increasing in popularity, and with good reason. This sport involves nothing but a ball, a net and other people. It is like basketball, except basketball can be played by men.

7. Baseball/Baseball where the ball is green and bigger

Photo by Tage Olsin
A baseball used for the sport of baseball

Although these sports are technically unsanctioned, they still have a place in every student’s heart. Baseball is (supposedly) America’s favorite pastime. They wear cleats and slide those bases, bro. Baseball and also softball deserve this spot on the list.

6. Football

Photo provided by Mitch Eichacker
The football team does what they do best

Guys, they are trying their best.

5. Tennis

Argus Leader
An LHS student plays tennis

One might speculate that if there was no tennis team, they could remove the courts and put in parking spots. This idea, although it would beneficial for the whole school, discredits the accomplishment and prestige of the LHS tennis team. It is disappointing that real life tennis doesn’t make the “wooooo – smack” sound that tennis in Wii Sports makes, and we could all use a few more parking spots. The thing about this incredible activity is it is all about hard work (and the tennis lessons you got since when you were a child). We could all appreciate tennis a little more.

4. Gymnastics

Everyone at this point is aware that the gymnastics team uses their flexibility and aerobics to pull of midnight heists of prized jewels, but almost no one is aware that the gymnastics team won state in 1986. This fun fact solidifies this sport’s spot at number four.

3. Wrestling

Photo Provided by Corey Fichter
A strong fellow wrestles his way to victory

It is a little-known fact that wrestling is the only sport that involves mats, singlets, and two guys grappling each other. You also might not know that wrestling is one of the toughest sports in this school. If you doubt the importance of wrestling, just take into account that they have their own gym. Their own gym! This fact alone bumps it up six spots.

2. Golf

A golf ball looking nice and handsome

That is right – it is the sport where they invented a vehicle to make the only physically challenging part easier. But golf is more than an expensive sport where aging white men drive baby Teslas over grass. For many students at LHS golf is a lifestyle. You must toil, grind, and persevere through the many sand pits, obstacles, and alligators that may be on the course (although there are only alligators if you live in Florida). When you add these troubles to the constant need to hoist your clubs around the course, it is easy to easy why golf’s second-place ranking is well deserved.

1. Marching band

Photo by Karli Soyland
LHS’s band performs on the marching band field at Howard Wood field during homecoming 2016.

It is the crown jewel of LHS; our marching band is the one rebuttal we have when WHS kids make fun of our football team. From the one lap they have to run during SPAT camp to the lack of sleep after competitions, marching band truly pushes its athletes to their physical and mental breaking points. There truly is no doubt that the marching band is the number one sport at LHS.

 


Note: This article is meant to be a joke. All of the activities are interesting and fun to watch and each one could use a little more support from LHS students. 

Author
Slater Dixon, Manager of Business

Slater Dixon is a junior and a first-time staff member of the Statesman. Slater enjoys sharing the true meaning of Christmas and running, especially when...

2 Comments

2 Responses to “Whatever… let’s rank the sports”

  1. Nick Kemper on October 7th, 2018 7:24 pm

    Hey buddy we get your lame butt is in marching band and you guys all grind harder than most but if you’re going to write an article how about your actually say some unbiased opinions and facts rather than just spewing out some random crap about other sports and activities which you clearly know nothing about.

  2. Will Howes on October 8th, 2018 9:03 am

    Hey Nick, just a couple things. One, Slater (the author) is not in marching band. And two, this is a satire piece, it is not intended to be taken seriously. Sorry if we caused any offense.